Cake Canon

After five or so years of Cheesecake, certain characteristics have evolved over the years that have become accepted as 'the norm' when it comes to portraying characters. These are a mixture of information taken from interviews and videos, knowledge of the band's history, semi-myths passed along in fandom (FISTING!), handy plot devices and things that we totally just made up. Recently, an attempt to record these repeated elements resulted in the creation of Cake Canon and are now accepted as universal law. Unless you're writing an AU, in which case you can do whatever the hell you want.

1. Colin is a dirty little perverted kinkster who likes Victorian porn.

2. What goes on tour, stays on tour, unless you have angsty meetings somewhere secret afterwards.

3. Phil knows all. Don't even try to argue.

4. Jonny is either a) an innocent virgin, b) a horny desperate virgin, c) an innocent non-virgin, d) a horny desperate non-virgin, e) pure unadulterated evil or f) all of the above.

5. Ed has a giant monster cock.

6. The studio, after everyone has supposedly gone home, is a hotbed of illicit trysts. (see also: number 2, angsty meetings)

7. Stipey and Thom? Duh, of course they did. Any time, any place, anywhere.

8. They went to a private all-boys' school. Work it out.

9. Ed only gets high as an excuse to make out with everyone.

10. Stanley knows all too, but he's never letting on, and even if he did it'd be too cryptic to understand.

11. Thom is a wanton slut.

12. Thom is a repressed slut.

13. 11&12 often go hand in hand.

14. Sometimes Colin and Jonny push the definition of what "brotherly love" is.

15. Thom is usually responsible for 14.

16. Ed smells bad, but Colin loves it.

17. When you need relationship advice, go to Colin.

18. If you need relationship advice about Jonny, do not go to Colin.

19. Colin will fuck your shit up if you mess with his little brother.

20. No one pines over Phil. Ever.

21. Jonny's hair is amazing and smells amazing ... probably vanilla, apple or citrus.

22. Stanley = Yellow.

23. Michael Stipe is a conflicted predatory slutmonster, who generally seduces and ruins Thom and then has to pay for it ten years later. And how.

24. Gag reflex? What gag reflex?

25. When dealing with school-aged Radiohead studying a foreign language: French. Always. Don't question it.

26. Need some bad guys? Oh hay Liam and Noel Gallagher!

27. Jonny is terrified of bats. This may, ironically, be due to his vampiric nature.

28. If Beck's involved, he will be blatantly slutty. And Thom will love it.

29. Colin has a red apron for baking/cooking. This is kinkier than it sounds.

30. Thom and Stanley go painting together and it ends up like this.